The thing is, I really want one already. But I know love comes when you're not looking for it, right? But I just can't wait anymore. I'm tired of feeling alone and asking myself if I'm even normal, would anyone even date me? It's like I'm starting to lose my mind because of this. I know things like relationships come when it's time. But I just feel so ready.
You may think I'm too young or I don't even know what love means. But trust me, I'm really more mature than my school mates and they've had over ten boyfriends/girlfriends, not overreacting here. It's like I always wish everyone to be happy, to get what they want, to have someone, while I always get none of that. When in return I just get hurt and left. I'm really good at being a friend while I'm alone. While I have no one to share my secrets with. I tried to explain my feelings for Daniel to a girl from school with whom I really get along, but I sounded like an idiot even though she asked me first about my love life. I can hear they're stories everyday all day, while no one's ready or patient enough to listen to my hopeless, blank and boring love life. Cause I'm there for them. It's not a problem for me, you know. I like to help them. But the thing is, after all this time of being there for them, giving them the best advices (they said so themselves), every person would kind of expect to get something from them too. Everytime, but really always, when they're in trouble or feeling down and I help them with my advices, they say how they respect me and my advices and how nice I am. But of course, they rather have stupid, shallow, superficial people for "best friends" than me, who will be there for them no matter what. Sometimes I think Karma just isn't on my side.
And also the problem with me is, that I take feelings, relationships and sex seriously. Maybe too seriously, but at least I'll get what I deserve. Maybe it's easier to get a boyfriend if you just pretend to be something or someone you're not and then you're happy for a while. But I'm kind of not fully satisfied with that. I'd rather wait for some time and be more mature, grown up and be in a relationship with someone who's like me, with whom I can share my thoughts, who'll see me at my worst but still think I'm the best. That's kind of love I'm looking, craving and hoping for. But of course, nothing good comes if you're just sitting here, wishing for it to happen already. But then I get kind of mindfucked: so if you're in love, hypothetically speaking (or not, you decide), and you wish to have this person, which is normal for this time, do you never actually have them then? Do you have to just kind of forget them and then maybe wait, but not so obviously, for them to come to you when you're least expecting? It is kind of mind blowing isn't it? So the theory of happiness comes when you're not looking for it, isn't entirely true, in this case.
Anyway, what I was aslo trying to say is, that my problem is that I'm so alone now, I can't do anything else but waiting for it to happen. Of course I have other things to think about like school, swimming, parents and stuff. But when you have no one, really no one, when no one sends you texts because they just thought of you, when nobody asks you to go out with them, then you get into thinking. Into that kind of thinking if you're even sane. If you're even dateable. Or even kind of normal to have any friends like yourself whatsoever? That maybe it's not meant for you to have any? That it's meant for you to die alone with no one beside you? And that questions like this are haunting you every day and suddenly you realise you have no one to tell them? That the only friend that would somehow listen to you is a fucking psychiatrist? It's killing me inside. I tried to tell my mom these things, but she couldn't understand. That of course doesn't mean she's not a good mom, cause she's the best. It's just maybe in those matters you need someone your age or seriously a psychiatrist. And I'm actually not ashamed of that. Many intelligent people had regularly visited their doctors, Einstein for example. It's just at this time I have no one and if it's a shrink that will make things better, then I'll do anything to just make that feeling go away. Cause I know if you're happy and positive you're more likely to attract more people than when you're in an opposite mood. But of course, sometimes it's not so easy, you know. I try to be a better person; keep unimportant thoughts out of my head, which normally I do not succeed, try not to think about people and giving a fuck about their opinions, try not to be so meticulous at things like what some one says and what did they mean by that and so on... In general, try not to overthink. But sometimes it's so hard, because that's all I do when I'm alone. It's dangerous to leave me alone with my thoughts. Something bad might turn out of it...
But anyway, my point is that I want a person who'd accept all this. Be there with me till the end, keep me sane and making me feel loved. And I find it so awkward, weird, strange and simply unnormal when someone wishes: "I hope this relationship will work out". Okay, you wish you'd stay in love with that person, won't have any serious issues and so on. But isn't it all because of falling in love? When you're in love you don't even know what you're doing. And some get in a relationship simply because it's cool, popular and time for it. HELLO?! Word LOVE is in these day a word used too much and much too early. I get sick when I see all these people faking their affection for someone and even worse is, when the other person actually eventually falls in love with them. I think everybody can be loved when you discover their side they've never shown to anyone else. And many, too many people these days don't know what love is, they just think they know. But yeah, it's none of my bussines what they're doing and with who, I just hate it when they later when they break up, crawl to me and cry why is this world such a cruel place. Then I tell her she needs some space now, a break from boys for a while and they always say: Oh yes, of course, that's just what I need! And they don't do it in a sarcastic way; not only because they're too stupid and don't really use sarcasm, but because they actually believe it for some time then go and make same mistakes all over again and again and again... In in this circle I've been for like I don't know three years. They always come to me and I always give them the best advice I can and tell them they should listen to me. But of course, not. But you know what? It's their world, let them do whatever they wanna do; go ahead and OD with this stupid, "popular" excuse: YOLO BITCHES!, be easy girls, be fake, ignorant, shallow, superficial... And in those situations, when everyone's doing it, it shows who has brains to not kneel from the society's influence and stand on your own. And that shows which people are actually strong. Oh, and the funniest part about those girls is when they post Facebook statuses like: "Being strong is not easy, but sometimes it's the only choice you have" and "deppressed" statuses like that and than literally CRAVE for attention and people's pity when those people comment: "It's okay, sweetie, I am here for you" or "You're not alone in this!". What the fuck, like, she had a relationship that ONCE FOR A CHANGE didn't go "so well" (they broke up after a month, cmon) and now she thinks she's the world's most poor thing on the planet and thinks she all of a sudden has deppression because she's (normally) sad because of a break up. I mean, in what a fucked up world we are living in...
I just think it's not fair for those girls to have AT LEAST that kind of love (which I never would want to have, just saying for an example) and they don't even know what love is, when I could do so much better. When I'd care for that person so much, when I'd never let them go, when it would truly mean something to me. When I can love more than this. But yeah, life isn't fair at all, but still. How come I don't get this? Random boy having a crush on me and then later telling me and that he would be actually good looking and that we'd later be together? The only difference between those relationships and mine would be that I'd really care about this boy and would try and try, not give up on a first obstacle. I would never cheat, do things we agreed we wouldn't, flirt with other boys, while I can have everything with this boy. And maybe, through many relationships I'd figure out I don't have everything or something's missing. But if I could just at least start! I'd be much more sure in myself, positive and confident. And most of all: happy. Because at least someone had romantic feelings for me, thought of me as a perfection, as a beauty. It would mean so much to me, when all these girls don't even appreciate it.
I think relationship are something really beautiful. Not always, but I find the idea of relationship so perfect and heavenly beautiful that even when I just think about it I get shivers. Someone touching you gently and holding you by the hand, kissing you softly and just holding you in their arms. And I can't imagine anyone doing that with me or me with anyone. I think true relationship is about sacrifice, putting effort in it, real love and just dedication. Then nothing else matters, not the problems you might face; you'll deal with them later, when they come, if they come. Not the cheating, because you trust each other. Not the jealousy of others and hatred they're spreading, because you trust and love each other and nothing can come between you two. I think in a relationship you're more positive about things, because you know no matter what, somebody's got your back. Somebody's gonna be there for you, defend you, comfort you and take care of you. But of course, no relationship is perfect, each has it's own problems, difficulties and misunderstandings. But it can all be solved if you believe you can solve it. If you believe in this relationship. And with each solved matter, the love grows and grows and so does your trust, each time's stronger. But then again, not all people in relationships are meant for each other. I kind of believe in fate and whatever it brings us, it was for a reason. Each person we met is either a blessing or a lesson.
You may think I'm too young or I don't even know what love means. But trust me, I'm really more mature than my school mates and they've had over ten boyfriends/girlfriends, not overreacting here. It's like I always wish everyone to be happy, to get what they want, to have someone, while I always get none of that. When in return I just get hurt and left. I'm really good at being a friend while I'm alone. While I have no one to share my secrets with. I tried to explain my feelings for Daniel to a girl from school with whom I really get along, but I sounded like an idiot even though she asked me first about my love life. I can hear they're stories everyday all day, while no one's ready or patient enough to listen to my hopeless, blank and boring love life. Cause I'm there for them. It's not a problem for me, you know. I like to help them. But the thing is, after all this time of being there for them, giving them the best advices (they said so themselves), every person would kind of expect to get something from them too. Everytime, but really always, when they're in trouble or feeling down and I help them with my advices, they say how they respect me and my advices and how nice I am. But of course, they rather have stupid, shallow, superficial people for "best friends" than me, who will be there for them no matter what. Sometimes I think Karma just isn't on my side.
And also the problem with me is, that I take feelings, relationships and sex seriously. Maybe too seriously, but at least I'll get what I deserve. Maybe it's easier to get a boyfriend if you just pretend to be something or someone you're not and then you're happy for a while. But I'm kind of not fully satisfied with that. I'd rather wait for some time and be more mature, grown up and be in a relationship with someone who's like me, with whom I can share my thoughts, who'll see me at my worst but still think I'm the best. That's kind of love I'm looking, craving and hoping for. But of course, nothing good comes if you're just sitting here, wishing for it to happen already. But then I get kind of mindfucked: so if you're in love, hypothetically speaking (or not, you decide), and you wish to have this person, which is normal for this time, do you never actually have them then? Do you have to just kind of forget them and then maybe wait, but not so obviously, for them to come to you when you're least expecting? It is kind of mind blowing isn't it? So the theory of happiness comes when you're not looking for it, isn't entirely true, in this case.
Anyway, what I was aslo trying to say is, that my problem is that I'm so alone now, I can't do anything else but waiting for it to happen. Of course I have other things to think about like school, swimming, parents and stuff. But when you have no one, really no one, when no one sends you texts because they just thought of you, when nobody asks you to go out with them, then you get into thinking. Into that kind of thinking if you're even sane. If you're even dateable. Or even kind of normal to have any friends like yourself whatsoever? That maybe it's not meant for you to have any? That it's meant for you to die alone with no one beside you? And that questions like this are haunting you every day and suddenly you realise you have no one to tell them? That the only friend that would somehow listen to you is a fucking psychiatrist? It's killing me inside. I tried to tell my mom these things, but she couldn't understand. That of course doesn't mean she's not a good mom, cause she's the best. It's just maybe in those matters you need someone your age or seriously a psychiatrist. And I'm actually not ashamed of that. Many intelligent people had regularly visited their doctors, Einstein for example. It's just at this time I have no one and if it's a shrink that will make things better, then I'll do anything to just make that feeling go away. Cause I know if you're happy and positive you're more likely to attract more people than when you're in an opposite mood. But of course, sometimes it's not so easy, you know. I try to be a better person; keep unimportant thoughts out of my head, which normally I do not succeed, try not to think about people and giving a fuck about their opinions, try not to be so meticulous at things like what some one says and what did they mean by that and so on... In general, try not to overthink. But sometimes it's so hard, because that's all I do when I'm alone. It's dangerous to leave me alone with my thoughts. Something bad might turn out of it...
But anyway, my point is that I want a person who'd accept all this. Be there with me till the end, keep me sane and making me feel loved. And I find it so awkward, weird, strange and simply unnormal when someone wishes: "I hope this relationship will work out". Okay, you wish you'd stay in love with that person, won't have any serious issues and so on. But isn't it all because of falling in love? When you're in love you don't even know what you're doing. And some get in a relationship simply because it's cool, popular and time for it. HELLO?! Word LOVE is in these day a word used too much and much too early. I get sick when I see all these people faking their affection for someone and even worse is, when the other person actually eventually falls in love with them. I think everybody can be loved when you discover their side they've never shown to anyone else. And many, too many people these days don't know what love is, they just think they know. But yeah, it's none of my bussines what they're doing and with who, I just hate it when they later when they break up, crawl to me and cry why is this world such a cruel place. Then I tell her she needs some space now, a break from boys for a while and they always say: Oh yes, of course, that's just what I need! And they don't do it in a sarcastic way; not only because they're too stupid and don't really use sarcasm, but because they actually believe it for some time then go and make same mistakes all over again and again and again... In in this circle I've been for like I don't know three years. They always come to me and I always give them the best advice I can and tell them they should listen to me. But of course, not. But you know what? It's their world, let them do whatever they wanna do; go ahead and OD with this stupid, "popular" excuse: YOLO BITCHES!, be easy girls, be fake, ignorant, shallow, superficial... And in those situations, when everyone's doing it, it shows who has brains to not kneel from the society's influence and stand on your own. And that shows which people are actually strong. Oh, and the funniest part about those girls is when they post Facebook statuses like: "Being strong is not easy, but sometimes it's the only choice you have" and "deppressed" statuses like that and than literally CRAVE for attention and people's pity when those people comment: "It's okay, sweetie, I am here for you" or "You're not alone in this!". What the fuck, like, she had a relationship that ONCE FOR A CHANGE didn't go "so well" (they broke up after a month, cmon) and now she thinks she's the world's most poor thing on the planet and thinks she all of a sudden has deppression because she's (normally) sad because of a break up. I mean, in what a fucked up world we are living in...
I just think it's not fair for those girls to have AT LEAST that kind of love (which I never would want to have, just saying for an example) and they don't even know what love is, when I could do so much better. When I'd care for that person so much, when I'd never let them go, when it would truly mean something to me. When I can love more than this. But yeah, life isn't fair at all, but still. How come I don't get this? Random boy having a crush on me and then later telling me and that he would be actually good looking and that we'd later be together? The only difference between those relationships and mine would be that I'd really care about this boy and would try and try, not give up on a first obstacle. I would never cheat, do things we agreed we wouldn't, flirt with other boys, while I can have everything with this boy. And maybe, through many relationships I'd figure out I don't have everything or something's missing. But if I could just at least start! I'd be much more sure in myself, positive and confident. And most of all: happy. Because at least someone had romantic feelings for me, thought of me as a perfection, as a beauty. It would mean so much to me, when all these girls don't even appreciate it.
I think relationship are something really beautiful. Not always, but I find the idea of relationship so perfect and heavenly beautiful that even when I just think about it I get shivers. Someone touching you gently and holding you by the hand, kissing you softly and just holding you in their arms. And I can't imagine anyone doing that with me or me with anyone. I think true relationship is about sacrifice, putting effort in it, real love and just dedication. Then nothing else matters, not the problems you might face; you'll deal with them later, when they come, if they come. Not the cheating, because you trust each other. Not the jealousy of others and hatred they're spreading, because you trust and love each other and nothing can come between you two. I think in a relationship you're more positive about things, because you know no matter what, somebody's got your back. Somebody's gonna be there for you, defend you, comfort you and take care of you. But of course, no relationship is perfect, each has it's own problems, difficulties and misunderstandings. But it can all be solved if you believe you can solve it. If you believe in this relationship. And with each solved matter, the love grows and grows and so does your trust, each time's stronger. But then again, not all people in relationships are meant for each other. I kind of believe in fate and whatever it brings us, it was for a reason. Each person we met is either a blessing or a lesson.
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