More and more I feel like I don't belong here, in this hell called school. It's not like I'm unwanted in society, it's more like how I'm being somehow ignored, but not directly. I can still laugh with my girl friends and have a good time at school breakes, but when we like have a free hour or we just don't do anything in class, I can feel how I don't fit in. I then realise how different I am, or how every individual is different. But some girls, most of them actually, can still find something in common, something that makes them more wanted, that makes them popular and attractive. They're all the same, although I still believe everyone's special in some way. But it's like they all feel the same about that "love" they think they know what it is, they have opinions on things, same taste in music, same behaviour. And I'm so sick of it. So sick of everybody pretending, not showing their real feelings then pitying themselves later. And most of all, then you look out like an outsider, weirdo and misfit when you're not like others. When you're just keeping it real. But then again, I'm still afraid to kind of show off the real me. Because I feel like I will be judged. After all I still care about their stupid, irrelevant opinions and what they'll think about it, if they'll think it's cool.
But in general, I'm not afraid of them nor confronting them. I'm not afraid to be myself when I'm with the right people. But the problem is, I don't know enough right people. I can still have fun with my school-mates and you know have inside jokes with them. But I still can't be totally relaxed when I'm with them. And that is what I'm kinda afraid of. Will I meet the right people in my life? Or will I be too shy and quiet to get to know them? I mean, I don't know, no one has influence on the future. But I am willing to change. Willing to find the right people with whom I can really talk not just mess around. Cause since I've lost Jan, I have no one to talk to. And it's really killing me. I got used to it; not getting text messages, calls, being asked to hang out... Not being "the one" girl.
And more and more I travel to other countries cause of competitions and more I see pictures of places, beautiful places, more I just wanna go. Pack my bags and disappear. Start over. This picture
here below is so perfect. I wanna explore the islands in the background, chase down those mysterious
stone bridges and rooftops, hide, take polaroid pictures and so so many other things. And even if I
wouldn't have anyone beside me like you know a partner or something, it would be okay. I would probably meet people by coincidence and get to know them and maybe fall in love. But first, I would fall in love with the surroundings, nature and life itself somewhere else besides here. I wanna know this feeling. Many feelings like feeling yourself, free, independent, carefree, wild... You have all day to explore this new place, new people, traditions, food, anything. But of course it would be nice doing this with someone special. But if I'm gonna be stuck in this "single" position, I accept it. Don't misunderstand me; I wanna have someone special beside me. But I'm gonna do it either way; alone or with somebody else. I just wanna go already. I know I'm too young, irresponsible and uncapable of taking care of myself. But that are just society's prejudices when you're underage. But when you're 18 you can go live anywhere you want. But 'till then, no. That was obviously sarcasm. I just don't get it. How about the kids in countries that are in war? When their parents, brothers and sisters die? They have to take care of themselves somehow. And no one even wanna look at them, take care of THEM and be there for them. And it's not about being there for someone even here anymore (not talking about my parents, but in general). I wish people would just realise that we can take care of ourselves. If they would treat us like (not like adults) letting us know that there will come a time when we will have to be independant. And if some parents wouldn't "pamper" their children so much, I believe we would be able to take better care of ourselves in the future and be more confident and become independant earlier.
And everybody has dreams. Some want to be doctors, pilots, truck drivers, weather reporters, rock/movie stars... But some just want to be happy. Some will realise what they want in the future and depent on that and don't eagerly seek for perfect jobs or their perfect love match. They just wanna be able to do what they want in life, be happy and do things that make them happy. And if you ask me, that is not quite easy. I know happiness is a state of mind and that you can achieve it if you really want it. But you must be really brave and sure in yourself to do so, to step out and be yourself when we live in a world where you have to compete with on-the-outside perfect people. By the way, while we're already here talking about people... I hate it how society is all talking about the presure on girls and how they should look, while boys can feel pretty insecure, too. In this area, boys are a bit underestimated, left behind and less important, I think. But nevermind this, we are talking about making your dreams, ambitions, desires and wishes coming true.
I believe that if you really want something, if you can dream it, you can do it. But some people are afraid of it. Maybe not of the actual thing, but giving their best into it and then be disappointed. But I think people should not be afraid of failure or not making it the way the wanted it; it is still time for that. I think they should be afraid of not doing their best, all they could, because only that way you know how strong you are and how far you can go. And I believe anybody can make their dreams come true, if only they're willing to do it. It's the same with happiness and other stuff you want in life. It's all in your mind, mind is everything. What you think, that you become. And it truly is that way, in every way; like about self-esteem, confidence, tests, exams, anything really. You just must keep telling yourself that in your head and you won. Then you can achieve anything. No one can bring you down, it's the same with accepting who you are; once you've accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you. Or at least hurt you by mocking out of something that is special about you.
And I believe anyone can make their dreams come true. Even those people in which most people don't believe in and do not trust. I trust those the most, those that other people prejudice. I believe in any man's abilities and I'd help anyone to give them courage or power to stand up. It's important to help each other out sometimes. Cause after all: what do we have from life if not helping, caring for and comforting each other? I think it is not that hard to help somebody as many people think it is. All it takes is a little bit of common sense and you can help somebody climb on the peak of their own highest mountain they'd been wishing to overcome. Anything is possible. But if we think of it as an impossible thing, we, ourselves, make it impossible.
But in general, I'm not afraid of them nor confronting them. I'm not afraid to be myself when I'm with the right people. But the problem is, I don't know enough right people. I can still have fun with my school-mates and you know have inside jokes with them. But I still can't be totally relaxed when I'm with them. And that is what I'm kinda afraid of. Will I meet the right people in my life? Or will I be too shy and quiet to get to know them? I mean, I don't know, no one has influence on the future. But I am willing to change. Willing to find the right people with whom I can really talk not just mess around. Cause since I've lost Jan, I have no one to talk to. And it's really killing me. I got used to it; not getting text messages, calls, being asked to hang out... Not being "the one" girl.
And more and more I travel to other countries cause of competitions and more I see pictures of places, beautiful places, more I just wanna go. Pack my bags and disappear. Start over. This picture
here below is so perfect. I wanna explore the islands in the background, chase down those mysterious
stone bridges and rooftops, hide, take polaroid pictures and so so many other things. And even if I
wouldn't have anyone beside me like you know a partner or something, it would be okay. I would probably meet people by coincidence and get to know them and maybe fall in love. But first, I would fall in love with the surroundings, nature and life itself somewhere else besides here. I wanna know this feeling. Many feelings like feeling yourself, free, independent, carefree, wild... You have all day to explore this new place, new people, traditions, food, anything. But of course it would be nice doing this with someone special. But if I'm gonna be stuck in this "single" position, I accept it. Don't misunderstand me; I wanna have someone special beside me. But I'm gonna do it either way; alone or with somebody else. I just wanna go already. I know I'm too young, irresponsible and uncapable of taking care of myself. But that are just society's prejudices when you're underage. But when you're 18 you can go live anywhere you want. But 'till then, no. That was obviously sarcasm. I just don't get it. How about the kids in countries that are in war? When their parents, brothers and sisters die? They have to take care of themselves somehow. And no one even wanna look at them, take care of THEM and be there for them. And it's not about being there for someone even here anymore (not talking about my parents, but in general). I wish people would just realise that we can take care of ourselves. If they would treat us like (not like adults) letting us know that there will come a time when we will have to be independant. And if some parents wouldn't "pamper" their children so much, I believe we would be able to take better care of ourselves in the future and be more confident and become independant earlier.And everybody has dreams. Some want to be doctors, pilots, truck drivers, weather reporters, rock/movie stars... But some just want to be happy. Some will realise what they want in the future and depent on that and don't eagerly seek for perfect jobs or their perfect love match. They just wanna be able to do what they want in life, be happy and do things that make them happy. And if you ask me, that is not quite easy. I know happiness is a state of mind and that you can achieve it if you really want it. But you must be really brave and sure in yourself to do so, to step out and be yourself when we live in a world where you have to compete with on-the-outside perfect people. By the way, while we're already here talking about people... I hate it how society is all talking about the presure on girls and how they should look, while boys can feel pretty insecure, too. In this area, boys are a bit underestimated, left behind and less important, I think. But nevermind this, we are talking about making your dreams, ambitions, desires and wishes coming true.
I believe that if you really want something, if you can dream it, you can do it. But some people are afraid of it. Maybe not of the actual thing, but giving their best into it and then be disappointed. But I think people should not be afraid of failure or not making it the way the wanted it; it is still time for that. I think they should be afraid of not doing their best, all they could, because only that way you know how strong you are and how far you can go. And I believe anybody can make their dreams come true, if only they're willing to do it. It's the same with happiness and other stuff you want in life. It's all in your mind, mind is everything. What you think, that you become. And it truly is that way, in every way; like about self-esteem, confidence, tests, exams, anything really. You just must keep telling yourself that in your head and you won. Then you can achieve anything. No one can bring you down, it's the same with accepting who you are; once you've accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you. Or at least hurt you by mocking out of something that is special about you.
And I believe anyone can make their dreams come true. Even those people in which most people don't believe in and do not trust. I trust those the most, those that other people prejudice. I believe in any man's abilities and I'd help anyone to give them courage or power to stand up. It's important to help each other out sometimes. Cause after all: what do we have from life if not helping, caring for and comforting each other? I think it is not that hard to help somebody as many people think it is. All it takes is a little bit of common sense and you can help somebody climb on the peak of their own highest mountain they'd been wishing to overcome. Anything is possible. But if we think of it as an impossible thing, we, ourselves, make it impossible.
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