Taking chances

 It's been two months and twenty-seven days since I found out he'll never come back. I am starting to slowly forget how he smelled. His laughter. His swimming technique. His dreamy eyes. His deep voice. Strong body. Everything seems so far away. It's all just a blur to me now. Like a sweet dream. Like when you have the best dream and can still remember it a little when you wake up. He is like the main part of that dream I keep preserving in my mind. I know it will all go away one day, I probably won't even know and realize when. But I think this part is the scariest one. Because I can still remember the way my heart started to beat when I saw him walking across the bleachers. The feeling in my stomach. The adrenaline pumping through my veins. And I miss that feeling. I used to hate it when he was still here and all I'd do all day was sitting in the middle of a class, daydreaming how I am gonna dress for today's practice to impress him. Or what I'm gonna say to him, even though I knew all along that I will never ever say a word to him, I'm just to shy for that and I don't have the balls for starting the conversation. Now, I'd give anything to just know that he is here. In the same time-zone as me. And I know that he is still on Earth somewhere, but so, so far away from here. I will never forget why I fell for him, though. I don't doubt it that any other girl fell for him, too, but I know one thing for sure; that no one will ever have the same feelings for him as I did for him. I knew he was special from the first day we met. I knew that he is 'that' boy I am gonna spend my free classes thinking about. Daydreaming about him and me, making cute little scenarios that will never come true. But I told myself from the start that this is just a temporary crush. It'll pass like everything else and now as I think about him only as a nice memory and a diversification between swimming tasks, I actually believe I will get over him. And so did I thought years ago. That I will get over him. And I actually thought and believed I already did get over him as I saw more cute guys approaching and available and in general to-think-about-in-spare-time kind of boys. But just as I believed that I was falling in love with another guy, he really did stay with me in my heart through all my little one-month crushes. He was always the one I'd think about before I went to sleep even if through the day I'd first set my eyes on the other guy. He was always there. He was always in the corner of my mind, keeping me safe. And, again, why I fell for him? Simply; because he was different. He really was, though we had much in common. He wasn't like the other guys. He listened (still does, I hope) to really good music (like  Beatles and Deep Purple) and so was I. And he wasn't listening to it just to be cool or something. He listened to it before it became popular to listen to old music (some kids actually do that, like wear Pink Floyd or Joy Division shirt but don't even know/listen to the band). He had really, and I mean really like really really, good style. He was always wearing those sexy shirts and really had in general good style. He was like a boy from dreams. Quiet and smart, but had a lot in his mind. And when he spoke, it was like heaven. We often swam together in the same line and one day, when practice was over, he was talking to the couch while he was still in the pool and I was in the corner of the line and he put his arms on the concrete ground next to swimming block and his arm muscles were like so tense and amazing. And when he was speaking to anyone it seemed (at least to me) like his eyes were sparkling and so bright. I miss him.

 Though I still haven't quite figured it out if I was really in love with him or just in love with the idea of him. He sure had, like every human being, flaws, which I just didn't notice since I didn't get to know him that well. But it really was something special about him. Like something was dragging me to him each time I saw him -and even more when he wasn't directly beside me. I know I saw him almost every day, but every single time I saw him I got freaking butterflies in my stomach. I remember the feeling I got and I'll never forget it. Some things are just hard to let go or just to move on. I thought about him every single day and I read somewhere that if you can't go a day without thinking about someone/something, you should never give up on that. But I did. I did and I have only myself to blame. I had a million chances to talk to him, but still I got freaked out, scared. For what? For fucking what? Because of what others will think? Now I realised that it doesn't matter. He has gone away and I will never see him again and all I know now is that I should take all those chances. No idea I had back then, the reasons or excuses to talk to him, now do make sense and don't seem silly or stupid at all. And all I came to realise now is that... I regret I didn't do anything about it. Even if they laughed, so what?! Am I still waiting the time when I will finally realise that I have nothing to be afraid of? That this is my life and I'll do the fuck I want? I know that I'm still not completely sure of myself. Well, after all; who is? We all have doubts and insecurities. We all have fears. But what really makes us a person is overcoming those fears and doubts. Realising that you can do it and that you will do it, no matter what. No one can stop you. It's your life. Don't overthink the choices that could really change your life. Life's too damn short to think like that. You only have one chance. Make it worth it.

 I am telling this because I don't want others to waste their opportunities like me. I want to give them guts to say someone they love them. Because they deserve to know. To stand out and be individuals if they feel like it. To be able to be free, do what they want, cause in the end; who is there? You. There is so much beauty in the world that it is a shame to throw it away with not even giving it a chance. Not even thinking about it. I think about it so much that I want to move somewhere else already or at least travel. The beautiful cities, countrysides, forests, buildings, sculptures, sounds ... So much more. So much life everywhere around us.