Sometimes I wish my room would be soundproof. To just escape where no one could hear me scream or cry. To be alone just with yourself and your thoughts. That's kind of dangerous, but in sensitive situations I just have to be alone, even though most people need just the opposite. But I am not like most people. That's the problem. I have no one to talk to about my problems and if I do talk to my mum, she gets sick of it sooner or later. I don't have a best friend or just any friend to tell my problems. My secrets, my demons in my head, insecurities, second thoughts, crushes ... I have no one, to be honest. And sometimes it feels good to keep my issues down and not letting anyone knowing about my business. Not letting anyone in. But sometimes I wish I had someone to let it all out to. My other half. I know not everyone has best friends. I know many people are like me, alone. And I know it is partly my fault that I'm not more open and outgoing. I don't let in people, simply because I'm afraid they'll hurt me again like Jan. And all I ever did was trusting him and telling him stuff. It's not like he told everyone, but he hurt me with words he told me. And he hurt me badly. And, me not even knowing, I always compare every friend to him. He was the only love I ever knew. Only real friend I ever had.
But it's time to move on. You can't live in past and people that are not here anymore with you, are stuck in the past with a reason. I believe that. I believe that every person in your life is sent to you by reason. To write a story, a chapter. Teach a lesson. Or some people you can learn something from. And life is all about learning stuff. Stuff that you keep in mind forever, that give you some advantage.
And I believe that people who seem most cold-hearted, most heartless person you will ever meet, are the way they are for a reason. Everyone is what they are for a reason. Or they got rejected, hurt, betrayed, ... There are so many options. And I think it is crucial to not judge people before you know their story. Cause every heart has a story to tell that may be or not be painful. As everybody has past, everybody has future, too.
I think every person can be loved if they show you the side of you they have never shown to anyone. If they open the doors of their heart to you. And when that happens, it is the most magical thing ever. And it should be accepted appropriately. Not most people do that. It's the same with showing your art work; when an artist shows you their paintings, when a writer shows you their drafts or work, when a poet shows you their poems; it is the biggest thing anyone can do to show you their trust for you. It is the most vulnerable thing to do and some people use advantage of that. And that is how people have trust issues. I think people are not well aware of that how hard it is for some people to trust again or to move on. You think making fun of them it's just something they'll understand, it's just a joke. You think maybe that'll make them stronger and look at it from the bright side. But the truth is; they don't see the bright side, because there is no bright side in this. Being scarred, traumatized forever. Not being able to have any kinds of relations the same way you did. You hide in your hole and wait for something that will never happen. You hope for the best, to someone find you and help you slowly get out of that hole and help you live again, yet expect the worst, someone who will only push you deeper and harder in that hole and by then you will have no chance at all to be normal again.
And I think for what happened between me and Jan did and will mark me for life. I am not the same since he did that to me and I don't think I will be ever able to trust someone the way I trusted him. Yet I don't think I hate him the way I should for what he did to me. For the way he treated me, for the words he said. Is it wrong if I wake up in the middle of the night, thinking of him? Or just walking on the streets like we did a year ago together, only a year ago we were still happy, hand in hand, thinking what would I do if I'd meet him right now? What would I say? I imagine so many scenarios and all the things I should say to him, things that he deserves. But in my head it seems pointless in some way. Why would I yell at him? I think I'd burst in to tears and even hug him if I'd see him. Maybe not hug him, but definitely cry. I'd still be mad, though. I would demand an explanation. I would not give up that easily. I wouldn't if he didn't do it over the phone. If he did it in person we would surely had a nice conversation. Because throwing away all those beautiful years of lovely friendship isn't quite normal, is it? But like I said... I could never hate him. And I think he knows that. Because I still feel his hand in mine when I'm asleep. I could still recall all those beautiful memories and not regret a thing.
But it's time to move on. You can't live in past and people that are not here anymore with you, are stuck in the past with a reason. I believe that. I believe that every person in your life is sent to you by reason. To write a story, a chapter. Teach a lesson. Or some people you can learn something from. And life is all about learning stuff. Stuff that you keep in mind forever, that give you some advantage.
And I believe that people who seem most cold-hearted, most heartless person you will ever meet, are the way they are for a reason. Everyone is what they are for a reason. Or they got rejected, hurt, betrayed, ... There are so many options. And I think it is crucial to not judge people before you know their story. Cause every heart has a story to tell that may be or not be painful. As everybody has past, everybody has future, too.
I think every person can be loved if they show you the side of you they have never shown to anyone. If they open the doors of their heart to you. And when that happens, it is the most magical thing ever. And it should be accepted appropriately. Not most people do that. It's the same with showing your art work; when an artist shows you their paintings, when a writer shows you their drafts or work, when a poet shows you their poems; it is the biggest thing anyone can do to show you their trust for you. It is the most vulnerable thing to do and some people use advantage of that. And that is how people have trust issues. I think people are not well aware of that how hard it is for some people to trust again or to move on. You think making fun of them it's just something they'll understand, it's just a joke. You think maybe that'll make them stronger and look at it from the bright side. But the truth is; they don't see the bright side, because there is no bright side in this. Being scarred, traumatized forever. Not being able to have any kinds of relations the same way you did. You hide in your hole and wait for something that will never happen. You hope for the best, to someone find you and help you slowly get out of that hole and help you live again, yet expect the worst, someone who will only push you deeper and harder in that hole and by then you will have no chance at all to be normal again.
And I think for what happened between me and Jan did and will mark me for life. I am not the same since he did that to me and I don't think I will be ever able to trust someone the way I trusted him. Yet I don't think I hate him the way I should for what he did to me. For the way he treated me, for the words he said. Is it wrong if I wake up in the middle of the night, thinking of him? Or just walking on the streets like we did a year ago together, only a year ago we were still happy, hand in hand, thinking what would I do if I'd meet him right now? What would I say? I imagine so many scenarios and all the things I should say to him, things that he deserves. But in my head it seems pointless in some way. Why would I yell at him? I think I'd burst in to tears and even hug him if I'd see him. Maybe not hug him, but definitely cry. I'd still be mad, though. I would demand an explanation. I would not give up that easily. I wouldn't if he didn't do it over the phone. If he did it in person we would surely had a nice conversation. Because throwing away all those beautiful years of lovely friendship isn't quite normal, is it? But like I said... I could never hate him. And I think he knows that. Because I still feel his hand in mine when I'm asleep. I could still recall all those beautiful memories and not regret a thing.
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