I am always so anxious I'm not living life to the fullest. I see pictures, I see movies, I see people and I think to myself: Is this all I'm here for? Where is my happiness? Where are my "best days of my life"? But I always know, deep inside of me, that best days are yet to come. I try to focus on the moments and things that are happening right now. But sometimes, subconsciously, you think of the future and what it holds. What plan does life have for you and only you. Who are you going to meet, who's going to change your life, who you're going to marry, what is your purpose. And it can ruin you sometimes, if you're not careful. Some people have it really figured out and I often think of myself as the only one who has doubts and worries about the world. Like you know normal teenage stuff - from who's going to be my first boyfriend to which party will be the fatal one or something. And on the other days, I feel totally different. I have like three moods: or I feel happy and don't care about the entire world; or I'm the saddest human being on Earth and think like will anyone ever love me and I just wanna roll in my bed and stay there forever; or I feel empty. Totally empty: no emotions, nothing special happening through the day, often silently crying over my hopeless crush and forgetting to eat. I know that is kinda frequent in teenage years, but I wanna know what this means and how important these thoughts are. How are they affecting my life; if they even are.
I sometimes feel like the last mood is overcoming the other two and I'm afraid. I'm afraid no one will accept me for who I am, for my insecurities, for my fears and my doubts. Every time I have a crush (and that doesn't happen so often nowadays than it has when I was younger) I feel like I'm not good enough for them. Like I always wish I had curves and/or be thin, have perfect teeth, straight nose and gorgeous skin. I know these are the common thoughts of every teen girl, but I just wanna know the meaning so I know it for myself. So I can stop worrying and be sure of myself that everything's gonna be alright. That I am normal and great the way I am. I know my mom always says that to me and it means so much to me, but ... Will any guy ever notice it? Will I ever be 100% sure of myself? Okay, I know NO person is ALWAYS completely happy and content. But will I ever reach that peak I always wanted to? Be the person everyone else wishes to be with?
But that wasn't originally my point, of course like always, I digress. I hope to reach that point in life when I know what I want to do, when I know when life makes sense. Kings Of Leon - Back Down South This is a song that kinda reminds me of this. It also gives me a feeling of freedom, letting loose, that everything's normal, it makes me feel calm and everything I wish to be. It makes me wanna buy a ticket, pack my bags and fly away to somewhere new. It makes me wanna do something good for myself. I can almost feel the soft breeze from this video of Kings Of Leon on the grey, not very cold, but also not hot, afternoon, making plans for the evening. Calling the friends that super cool party is coming up. And not a party in a nowadays sense, but cool, loosen up party with actual music. It gives me goose bumps to feel like I'm there. I wish I was there. I wish I was joking/flirting with a cute guy that would, for a change, like me back. I wish I was near a bonfire we made. I wish I could just runaway and find myself. My heart starts to beat faster if I just think of someone hot liking me back. And I know it's not all in the hotness and only being with someone cause of their face, I mean that's not the point at all not only a part of dating someone hot. But it does kinda gives you courage and it does increases your self-esteem. You would like it how everyone would look at you as an epic couple, every girl wishes this, it's every teen's secret wish. But also, deep down, we want to change that person into someone we would like. Like we would change their personality, because lots of attractive people are aware of their beauty/being handsome so their ego is like enormous and it kinda ruins everything. So deep down you still wish they'd be different, like I wish that for my crush sometimes. It's normal I guess, but it's important that you cross that, that you change your point of view and accept that person.
Wow, I went way way too deep in this discussion. Anyway, I just want to experience it all, taste it all. Taste of being someone else or just living a life that everyone else dreams of. But that doesn't make your dreams any less important if you have common dreams with someone. I think it makes it interesting if you have a similar dream to someone, they understand you and I'd consider myself lucky if I met someone like me. But of course, that's just my opinion and you don't have to agree with that. Like in school I meet loads of people with whom I don't always agree and we don't have the same points of view of the world, same opinions, similar principals, ... But that's what makes us unique and I think everyone should be proud of their own opinion or thinking and what they like or know. I have certain school-mates who like laugh at everything every girl says because they have like really messed up heads with sick thoughts like for example they think only boys could say something smart or that is unusual that a girl says something clever or be sophisticated. It's funny how this quality used to be very much appreciated in women back in time, when now they make fun of you if you're educated and actually know things. It's more like, sad. But I love it how those girls just ignore them. The more they laugh, more they talk and explain their opinion. And I am happy that someone stood up for themselves but sad at the same time how some people still think mid-eval and conservative. But let's put this behind us now. Along my path of my life I meet lots of people who have their things already sort out and they're not much older than me and it freaks me out. Like am I already that old or they just like to have things planned out in advance? That's the big question that I've been asking myself and I can't come up to a final conclusion, but I'm kinda satisfied with something like that I have lots of time left (well, maybe not lots, but some for sure) because adults (like my parents) keep saying that to us. But professors are a different story, like a complete different specie of adults: they keep saying that we have to have a plan like for the rest of our life and saying stuff like job has to be very carefully planned and organized and that with a job you set a future for yourself. I think that's wrong, because you change jobs in your life and I think it's wise to have different jobs. Of course jobs that have common skills that you learned or something, but you can't stay in one job for forty years, come on. Okay, maybe that's the original "american dream", but I'm not American (and I think any American can choose their own way of living, but I'm aware that that is not always possible) and I will not follow these "rules". And believe me, we have some totally stone-age folks, too, who believe in keeping the tradition and so on. I am happy that I have such open-minded parents with no prejudices and who let me choose my own future job(s), support me and encourage my dreams.
But I will not live in regret and/or hopeless wishing on a wishing star (not that it cannot come true). I know the best days of our lives are yet to come and it really does calm me down or a bit. It makes me stop and look around and appreciate the exact moment right now. To appreciate the nature and the things it provides us. I know that's the whole meaning of life, I kinda believe in that. But we are the intruders, we have to customize life in our own way, but too many times it affects nature. Do you ever just ask yourself like why you're here or why are you the way you are, how others see you, how you wish to see yourself and/or just overall rethink your whole existence? I know that's way too deep for a teen like me, but I can't help wandering. It gives me shivers to think I might be gone tomorrow. It's scary as sh*t. But I think that's what life is trying to show us - that we are not eternal. Or at least or body isn't. I believe in our souls. I believe in souls being eternal and infinite, I kinda imagine them floating around when we're gone and leaving a mark on this world or granting a wish we've been dying to fulfill. It brings the best out of you or the worst, you never know, really. I mean you are aware of your soul, but in the end it doesn't really make a difference what you thought, because it's always the other way around. So it's always better to live it all to the fullest and don't regret anything (even though that is not what it's in our habit) and your soul will be free. Follow your dreams and your heart will always be happy.
But that wasn't originally my point, of course like always, I digress. I hope to reach that point in life when I know what I want to do, when I know when life makes sense. Kings Of Leon - Back Down South This is a song that kinda reminds me of this. It also gives me a feeling of freedom, letting loose, that everything's normal, it makes me feel calm and everything I wish to be. It makes me wanna buy a ticket, pack my bags and fly away to somewhere new. It makes me wanna do something good for myself. I can almost feel the soft breeze from this video of Kings Of Leon on the grey, not very cold, but also not hot, afternoon, making plans for the evening. Calling the friends that super cool party is coming up. And not a party in a nowadays sense, but cool, loosen up party with actual music. It gives me goose bumps to feel like I'm there. I wish I was there. I wish I was joking/flirting with a cute guy that would, for a change, like me back. I wish I was near a bonfire we made. I wish I could just runaway and find myself. My heart starts to beat faster if I just think of someone hot liking me back. And I know it's not all in the hotness and only being with someone cause of their face, I mean that's not the point at all not only a part of dating someone hot. But it does kinda gives you courage and it does increases your self-esteem. You would like it how everyone would look at you as an epic couple, every girl wishes this, it's every teen's secret wish. But also, deep down, we want to change that person into someone we would like. Like we would change their personality, because lots of attractive people are aware of their beauty/being handsome so their ego is like enormous and it kinda ruins everything. So deep down you still wish they'd be different, like I wish that for my crush sometimes. It's normal I guess, but it's important that you cross that, that you change your point of view and accept that person.
Wow, I went way way too deep in this discussion. Anyway, I just want to experience it all, taste it all. Taste of being someone else or just living a life that everyone else dreams of. But that doesn't make your dreams any less important if you have common dreams with someone. I think it makes it interesting if you have a similar dream to someone, they understand you and I'd consider myself lucky if I met someone like me. But of course, that's just my opinion and you don't have to agree with that. Like in school I meet loads of people with whom I don't always agree and we don't have the same points of view of the world, same opinions, similar principals, ... But that's what makes us unique and I think everyone should be proud of their own opinion or thinking and what they like or know. I have certain school-mates who like laugh at everything every girl says because they have like really messed up heads with sick thoughts like for example they think only boys could say something smart or that is unusual that a girl says something clever or be sophisticated. It's funny how this quality used to be very much appreciated in women back in time, when now they make fun of you if you're educated and actually know things. It's more like, sad. But I love it how those girls just ignore them. The more they laugh, more they talk and explain their opinion. And I am happy that someone stood up for themselves but sad at the same time how some people still think mid-eval and conservative. But let's put this behind us now. Along my path of my life I meet lots of people who have their things already sort out and they're not much older than me and it freaks me out. Like am I already that old or they just like to have things planned out in advance? That's the big question that I've been asking myself and I can't come up to a final conclusion, but I'm kinda satisfied with something like that I have lots of time left (well, maybe not lots, but some for sure) because adults (like my parents) keep saying that to us. But professors are a different story, like a complete different specie of adults: they keep saying that we have to have a plan like for the rest of our life and saying stuff like job has to be very carefully planned and organized and that with a job you set a future for yourself. I think that's wrong, because you change jobs in your life and I think it's wise to have different jobs. Of course jobs that have common skills that you learned or something, but you can't stay in one job for forty years, come on. Okay, maybe that's the original "american dream", but I'm not American (and I think any American can choose their own way of living, but I'm aware that that is not always possible) and I will not follow these "rules". And believe me, we have some totally stone-age folks, too, who believe in keeping the tradition and so on. I am happy that I have such open-minded parents with no prejudices and who let me choose my own future job(s), support me and encourage my dreams.
But I will not live in regret and/or hopeless wishing on a wishing star (not that it cannot come true). I know the best days of our lives are yet to come and it really does calm me down or a bit. It makes me stop and look around and appreciate the exact moment right now. To appreciate the nature and the things it provides us. I know that's the whole meaning of life, I kinda believe in that. But we are the intruders, we have to customize life in our own way, but too many times it affects nature. Do you ever just ask yourself like why you're here or why are you the way you are, how others see you, how you wish to see yourself and/or just overall rethink your whole existence? I know that's way too deep for a teen like me, but I can't help wandering. It gives me shivers to think I might be gone tomorrow. It's scary as sh*t. But I think that's what life is trying to show us - that we are not eternal. Or at least or body isn't. I believe in our souls. I believe in souls being eternal and infinite, I kinda imagine them floating around when we're gone and leaving a mark on this world or granting a wish we've been dying to fulfill. It brings the best out of you or the worst, you never know, really. I mean you are aware of your soul, but in the end it doesn't really make a difference what you thought, because it's always the other way around. So it's always better to live it all to the fullest and don't regret anything (even though that is not what it's in our habit) and your soul will be free. Follow your dreams and your heart will always be happy.
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