Letting It Go

We experience many things we think are one-time opportunities, and in most cases, they are. Not trying to sound pathetic or nostalgic in any way, it's just that I feel the need to let some things out. Things I feel they need to be spoken about, even though it might hurt as hell just thinking about them. But I think it's better to let it out, let it hurt and destroy you in any way possible and then just let it be. Let it heal, because time heals everything. I didn't believe in that sort of thing until now. Until I've finally gotten over him.

It might as well sound stupidly cliche and cheesy, but things like that I believe are worth talking about. After all, they are things that complete our life. Hell, these are the things that make our life the way it is. Define us. Even if we don't feel like admitting, we are changed by the things that affect us in some way. Maybe some less, maybe some more. But genuinely, they make us the person we are today. And I've come to realize that now. Sure, I may not ever taste the sweetness of being someone's fist choice for a while or feeling someone wrap my hair around their fingers. It is a nice feeling. But is it worth it all the tears and blaming yourself for the way things flew? No. Not now and not ever. That's the thing with these "heartbreaks". It makes you reconsider your whole being and all your beliefs, your ethics. It forces you to deal with these things for quite some time, at least that's true for someone who has never experienced these things before. Yes, I was referring to myself. Because it's true. He made me feel special and loved. Even if we might never have what we could have had, I am finally happy about the things that we did share. About the things I'd never wish to do with anyone else. Spending all that time at swimming pool just talking and slowly falling in love with each other. I know now that these feelings were not in vain. Far from that. It was just in vain developing them towards him. But that was three years ago. It seems like infinity. I can still feel his presence and see his warm smile every night before I go to sleep and I smile about it, for the first time. I am happy that I got to meet this person and to go through things we did. Together. I don't feel tears rushing up in my eyes because he left me like this, broken and alone. What's happened, has happened and there's no changing the past. You either accept it or dwell on it your whole life, which I really got tired of. I knew I needed a change and I knew I held it within me. 

via: http://boseslalake.tumblr.com/post/61093484511

Sometimes people think they're not strong enough for certain things. That is a total myth and I've just busted it. To be honest, I believe every person has hidden strength within them to carry out the things they need to. We all possess that courage we're too afraid to let out just because it might unfold the things we didn't have the power to see before. And it's all about let it be to let yourself see what you're capable of. No matter what hurt you, no matter what made you feel worthless and, honestly, like shit, doesn't mean you can't overcome it. These are the words the voice inside you keeps telling you to forbid you to move on and it is a part of you, a part of your subconscious. There's nothing wrong with being at a crossroads and not knowing which way to turn. The most important thing is that you know whatever you do is what makes you happy and what your gut is telling you it's right. Because if you feel like something you want to do is right, then go for it. Never make any choices that make you uncomfortable or unlike you. You should always embrace yourself and do whatever it takes for your own happiness.

Well, now I'll just say I should cut the crap, right? I'm not here to tell you what you should and shouldn't do. Nobody's got that right except you. But here's a little something that might change your point of view: what is something you'd do that would, like, set you free in every aspect? Is it truly something you're willing to do to allow yourself to be happy? Because that's all that matters. No one's gonna gain it for you, nobody's gonna make the effort. This is something we all learn; we are alone in certain situations and heartbreaks and similar things, are one of them. It's up to us if we want to be happy. If we decide that we deserve to be happy. And in order to be happy, you have to let yourself come to realize certain things and tell yourself that it is the right thing to do. Because at the end of the day, the person that needs to be happy is you. If there's anyone truly responsible for that "long-term" happiness, it is you. It's not some guy or a good grade or good friends. It's inside your head, it's a state of mind you have to reach. And once you do, it becomes a habit. Some sort of lifestyle. My lifestyle so far was blaming myself for the things I had no influence on. He was getting through high-school and we all change in that time. Nobody's gonna be there and say: "I've changed and I feel great." Sure, they do tell things like that, but they don't even know what that means. Because the real change happens when the only thing you feel is gratitude and happiness and you can't even pinpoint a time when you felt 'changed'. Change is only an illusion, an excuse to do things you really wouldn't do if you'd just open your mind. Yes, we do things under pressure and maybe regret them later. But what's worse is lying to yourself later and saying that you did the right thing when your heart tells you otherwise. When deep down you're lost and don't know if you're playing the good or the bad guy here.

Truth is, there is no bad and good guys. There are no heroes and villains. We do not live in a fairy-tale. Not that I refuse to believe in magic, it's just that we need to keep our mind realistic. We can't expect a magical solution to all of our problems when we don't believe in magic. What we need to believe in is a change we make ourselves. A mountain peak we climb to ourselves. Nobody's gonna do it instead of us. They've got their lives to sort out and you've got yours. We all deal with the same shit, just some are good at handling it and some a little less. That doesn't mean our problems are not equal, though. Before we go after someone we must always ask ourselves if that's what they really need right now. If they really need another reason to add this day to the endless list of the shitty days. "Everyone has scars. We just don't all wear them on the outside." is a lovely quote by Natasha Friend from her book My life in black and white. And that's why I always keep that in mind when I'm talking to a person. I keep in mind that everyone has a story that marked them in some way. Everyone's got a reason they are who they are today. 

And I feel like lots of parts of me died when I let him go. Also the same thing happened with swimming, though I've no just yet reached that point when I am totally indifferent about that part of my life, because it did last longer than my heart-melting friendship with Jan and I think it had greater influence on me for being who I am today. It's hard to let go something so valuable, something so worth keeping after eight full years of dedicating your life to certain thing you thought you'd be doing for the rest of your life. Because it made you happy. And now it only fills me with regret. But I think that if you believe in making it, then you'll make it. And I know I'll make it too. Go past it. Just leave it there and once I look back I won't be sad anymore. I'll be happy to experience things 99% of the kids my age didn't in their childhood. Because it was truly a remarkable childhood. Knowing you're the best among the best and that everyone knows who you are... Not many adults can pride themselves with this accomplishment. I am thankful and I am grateful for being strong for so many years, but now I feel as if all the strength has been drained out of me. Like it's been all used for the past few years. For my best years. 

I thought maybe writing about it will do good. And it does. It feels like I've got nothing to prove to anyone anymore, like I had to do so many times before. I don't have to prove myself that I'm worth it any longer. Even though what I was doing was making me happy, I knew there were risks. There were situations when I didn't see an exit sign and I had to swallow it and just go on. And I made it. Hell, I've made it. And no one can ever take that away from me.