Love

 I read someone's answer on Formspring on what love means to her. And I got thinking. What is love? How do we define it? How do we feel it?

 For me, love is the most beautiful and painful feeling you can feel. I have experienced real love. I'd have never thought that it would visit me so early. But it did. And it didn't turned out well. Because love isn't always just about perfect couples and sweet talks and cuddling and stuff like that. Love is sacrifice, love is when someone elses happiness is your happiness. And here comes my story.

Jan and me at national championship 2006/7 (we won, yay)

  We met six years ago on a national swimming championship. His and my club stayed in a same hotel. It was Thursday evening when my eyes first saw his beautiful, divine face. I didn't know I was already in love. His club had dinner across the dining hall and my on the other side. But we kept looking at each other. Every second. We couldn't took our eyes of each other. And we smiled through the whole time. When the dinner was over, we found out our rooms were really close. We hang out on the sofa and tease each other, at that time I really hate him. Kind of love/hate feeling, actually. Sometimes we had a fight, but then stopped and looked at each other in complete silence, all that you could hear was the boys yelling in other rooms. "But in that moment, I swear we were infinite". I finally understand that feeling. I had it back then. Timeless, perfect, tender. I felt safe. In his brown eyes I will never forget. He always  comforted me when I was thought I wasn't good enough (although I won everywhere I went). He always used to say that I'm the best and no one can beat me. I was ok in a second. All he had to do was wrap his arms around me so I could feel his warmth and everything seemed alright. Everything seemed normal once again. When he's around.

 When the end of the competition came, we couln't say goodbye. We eventually did, but it lasted. He lives in the other side of the country, so we never got to see each other except at competitions we both participated in. He said we'll stay together forever. We were best friends, inseparable. We talked every day for hours (my dad was really mad about the bill) and laughed and laughed into the night... 

 Four beautiful years past, years that will remain in my memory for eternity. Then he told me a schocking news that will change our relationship drastically. He said he'll quit swimming. And my heart stopped. Literally, I couldn't breathe. We already saw each other every  few times on month, now this. I said why and he replied he has spine problems. Well, that's shit, I said. And so everything became to fall apart slowly through the years.

 He went to high school. You can imagine what happened. He changed entirely, that's what fucking happened. And all I was able to do, was sitting there and watch him change and distance from me. It wasn't even real and possible how rarely we talked and how superficial. I was no longer important to him. He met new people, he hang out with them and he easly forgot me. Click, I no longer existed. Just like that. We last saw each other on 30rd of December, last year. My grandpa died the next day. It went so fast. I can all remember it so clearly. Few months ago, I finally admitted that I love him. It was... hard. And weird. We always thought about each other as friends. Used as best friends. And now we became strangers. It's funny how we used to catch up and just chat and couldn't stop. It just flew out of our mouth and all the things that we're going through our heads we could easly trust each other. I trusted him things I could never tell anyone. He always put me in a better mood. I've seen his bad and good sides, I did eenie meenie minie mo, and still chose him. I told myself: "Go, he'll only hurt you more, go, before is too late,". And it got worse. Shit got a lot worse. I cried every single night about how he doesn't care about me, why doesn't he return love to me when all I ever gave him was love and why doesn't he care? Yet, I still came back to him. With just more love. We used to talk for hours, now we literally don't. I keep calling him though. I don't know why... Sometimes it just gets me, because I miss his voice so much. I miss his big, brown eyes, his cute laugh and those irresistible lips. I miss his whole stupid face so much. I'm typing this in tears. But still, I want to write this down and make an end to it. Seriously, I'll stop recalling those beautiful memories and start saying myself: "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened,". It's a smart quote and it has to be by your side through the whole life. It was divine, while it lasted. It was like heaven, I can't picture more perfect heaven. He was (is) everything I ever wanted in life. But I'll be strong. I'll move on eventually, I can just hope he'll one day wake up and wonder why he let me go. And it'll be too late. But I'll always love him. No matter what he put me through, he's my first and last love.

 And you see, that's what love is for me. Simplicity, honesty, ability to talk about antything, being yourself without being ashamed, being accepted like your family accepts you, ability to laugh and fool around, careness. And love. Tender, gentle love. And lots of touches, kisses, hugs, cuddling and smiles. Love is tender, kind and patient. I feel I'm so full of love that will explode every minute if someone doesn't appear in my love life. I'd cherish them so him, I'd worship him. Many people don't realise what they have, how lucky they are to have someone, anyone. While I'd (and many others I think) do anything to have something like that. I don't know what's going on with me; or I'm not normal or I'm obsessed. It's funny how a slight change in my life would make such a difference. And by change I mean someone new in my life. At least I think it would be different. I feel so. It would turn everything on better, everything would suddenly make sense. Suddenly, I'd have a reason to wake up happy in the morning. To check my phone and see a morning text from my baby. Or knowing that I'm going to see him in a few hours, or just talk to him. Even talking to someone that's returning love to me would be... Divine. I know I overreact in some places, but that's just how I feel. Now you kind of (at least I think so) understand what I'm going through, what's going inside my head. My head, full of unrealistic, messy, stupid, sad thoughts. I often keep them to myself. Of course I do. And you know why? I'm kind of afraid how people would react. I don't generally care, but I'm still scared though. Cause I haven't met the right person (yet, I hope) that I could trust him/her those things without being afraid and ashamed. It's a rare thing. Finding someone you can totally and unconditionally trust, knowing they won't tell a soul. So far, that person in my life has been mom. And I think it's time to move on. Not that I don't love my mom, I wouldn't replace her for nothing in this world! She's one and only... But there are also things I can't tell my mom, of course, and where I need opinion from someone my age. 
 And that's a really rare thing. But some people are just lucky and they should finally realise what they have. Cause, in generally I'm cheerful through the day. But sometimes I break. Sometimes I just can't handle it anymore and lose control and cry even three hours straight at night. But yet, I always picked myself up again and put a smile on. Cause that's all you have. Who's gonna take care of you if you one day just collapse? That's no one's job and no one is kind enough and patient to help you get up again. Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I just haven't met those kind of people. Yet, I hope. Cause I'd do that for my friend without a doubt. Of course, here we are again. What I'm willing to do for my "friends" and what I get in return. One day, I'll just have to get my shit together and get more selfish. Cause if I'm going to care for every single person on this world, even those who don't return love to me, I'm gonna burn out one day. You have to pick out your dearest friends and family members. People, who you'd literally risk your life for. Die for. 

 Now, how do you feel real love? Hmm, I can't really tell you cause I didn't even know when I was in love. It was just... magical. Everything felt simple and light when I was with him. I think that's the feeling when you're in love. When people say it feels like you're flying or on a cloud, it's actually true. You feel like feather, floating. Nothing's impossible, because you know you have him/her by your side. And you know you can count on them. You're timeless, nothing can come between you two. Nothing is more important than you two and your affection. 
 Love is not complicated if it's found by right people. It hasn't got any terms and conditions, just true dedication, loyalty and love. That's all it takes. When you love someone truly and deeply, the distance doesn't matter. The fights chill in next few days and you always find your way back to each other. There's no need for jealousy, because you simply feel and know deep down you know they won't cheat on you. You know you won't, because you have everything you could have ever imagined with that one special person.  It makes your day brighter, your stomach hurts from butterflies when he/she looks at you. Yet again, when you hold his/her hand, it's not gravity that's keeping you down to earth. It's love and connection you have with this person. It's a bond.

 And that, my dear readers, is love.