I'm done. I'm so done. All this pressure; school, parents, swimming and everything else. It's just unbearable. I can't do this anymore. I wish I could just stop time for a while, clear my head, have some sleep and then maybe carry on. I wanna fly away somewhere, with no worries, with no obligations. Just to relax. I want to meet new people. I'm tired of all this same routine every single day, I'm bored of all the same people with the same acts who don't care about me. Who only care about their stupid asses, what I wish I was able to. They all seem to enjoy life in some way the like it, while I'm still figuring out what to do with myself and my life. I don't want to feel anything anymore, cause I always get to attached and care to much about someone who's not returning me love.
I feel awful. In my head's bumping, I feel really exhausted although I do nothing else then go to practice in the morning. My eyes are heavy and sleepy, but I'm not tired. I want to write my book, but even when I'm writing this, I'm barely looking. I don't want to eat, even though my stomach hurts from hunger. I want to read, but I can't even though that's the only place where I feel I belong somewhere, where I escape from stupidity and superficial people. Where there's only me and the life of most perfect characters. I mean, who doesn't like to read? Who doesn't like to just dissappear once in a while and deepen into the world of infinite possibilities, of love and romance, of beautiful scenes and most perfect thing: words and expressions. Words. They're so beautiful, powerful and important, I guess. They make life they way it is, relationships, new acquaintances and friendships. Isn't it just wonderful? And if a writer falls in love with you... You never die.
And I feel like I'm slowly falling apart. At some point, I was okay, then went down to the hole again and couldn't crawl back up. I feel like I don't have any friends, even though I do have many, just not right ones. Since Jan and I haven't spoken I'm... Not myself. I'm nothing. It's like I have this hole in my chest that used to be where his place was, near my heart. Now he's gone and so is my happiness. Funny huh; he used to bring me joy and sadness, now I'm here alone, left and broken. With only one thing left: sadness. I can't find the meaning in life anymore. Also swimming used to be my favourite thing in the world, I used to come to practices happy and come back home satisfied. Now it feels like it's some kind of obligation or duty I have to fill. In this new club I am, I don't even feel welcomed, even though I am. I don't feel accepted, like a part of a family, which this big club is. But without me, I guess. I often feel I'd be better of without swimming. But everyone's telling me how many potencial I have, what I could achieve, where could I go, what could I become. It feels like I can't quit. My mother is telling me she'll be there for me in any choice I decide to make. But deep down I know she won't be pleased if I'd say I'm done. I know she'd only be trying to make me stay because of my talent and it'd be a shame to throw it away. And she's actually right. What I'd do without swimming? I thought of many things: I could be a fashionsita (I have a real passion for fashion), study medicine like I always wanted, go to drawing classes and many, many more options. But would they make me happy as swimming once did? Would I succed? What if I wouldn't be satisified and in a while realise I've made a lifetime mistake?
I seriously don't know what to do. You see, for a sport and a good results (not only good, the best), you need a will, hard work and patience. But I think I've lost the will I used to have as a kid. And I'm tired of working hard. And I think, after all, maybe I'm not THAT good. Maybe I won't achieve those things everyone's saying I could if I'd do this and that... Maybe I don't have that thing in me that's necessary to be great, the best among the best. And after I went through this thinking, I said: True athletes don't give up at first obstacle. They face it and move on. But what if I don't have that courage, bravery or just will to continue? What if the best among the best don't have that kind of thoughts when they have a problem? What if they fixed it in a different way, proffesional and real athlete way that it's supposed to be fixed?
But I've been swimming since forever and now that I have a new coach (which is really kind, proffesional, patient and good) who has, for his head, realistic golds: Olypmpic games. Actually yes, I am or could be that good. Another reason why I can't quit! Everyone seems to expect so much from me, so much, I think I'll always dissapoint them and I just wouldn't handle it if it would happen again and again in future. I think I'd let them down for not being good enough.
But I think all this would be a lot easier if I just had someone. Anyone; a friend, lover, even a stranger who'd give me a real, honest opinion of all this. And there's one more thing that bugs me... I dreamt last night of kissing someone. Someone hot, but that doesn't matter now. What matter is, that it was like I was there. I felt it! The kiss! Well, of course I didn't REALLY felt it, but I felt my heart was pounding and I was really nervous; in a dream! But when I woke up, the dreams were so real I thought they happened for real. Of course I have left that much sanity to know they were just dreams, but the thing is... I'm craving for a first kiss even harder (don't forget I'm still a virgin about those romance things). I remember how I touched his lips (in dreams, of course) and then slowly kissed him and then harder and harder and more passionate. I licked and sucked his tounge and we french kissed all the time. Although those dreams were really short, for only couple of seconds. But they were so real, so sweet and passionate, I was like really turned on, haha. I still am now, when I just think about it. And I can't stop thinking about it. The feeling I got. The feeling of being loved and wanting someone to kiss me. Because they just liked me and I turned them on. It's the best feeling in the world. And I just want to feel it in reality for once. I also daydream a lot, about sex too, if I'm completely honest. I have really creative and large imagination, but I just want things to happen for real once. I'm not bothered by the fact I haven't had a boyfriend yet. I hate the feeling when no one has thought of me in a different way. That... No one loves me. I just want to have someone already and don't get me wrong. It's not one of those stupid teenage feelings like: "Omg, I'm forever alone". It's different. I need it. I need a kiss, a touch, making love to someone cause I feel ready. It's not "horny" either. Cause I know that feeling and here it's more like craving, desire and dreaming. I feel like I know how it would be loved and touched, but I haven't felt it quite yet. I'd love that person so hard and deep a person can. Because I need someone to tell me it's going to be alright and say it because they mean it, not because they need to. To hug me and than kiss me, I'd trust them. I'd believe them. And if I was there, in his warm arms keeping me from harm, I wouldn't think about it so much. I'd think about how I'd surprise him and give him a long kiss, put him in a better mood, go for a walk with him, hold hands, watch movies, make tender love, laugh, run, dance like we're the only one on the planet left and love... Love like never before.
I feel awful. In my head's bumping, I feel really exhausted although I do nothing else then go to practice in the morning. My eyes are heavy and sleepy, but I'm not tired. I want to write my book, but even when I'm writing this, I'm barely looking. I don't want to eat, even though my stomach hurts from hunger. I want to read, but I can't even though that's the only place where I feel I belong somewhere, where I escape from stupidity and superficial people. Where there's only me and the life of most perfect characters. I mean, who doesn't like to read? Who doesn't like to just dissappear once in a while and deepen into the world of infinite possibilities, of love and romance, of beautiful scenes and most perfect thing: words and expressions. Words. They're so beautiful, powerful and important, I guess. They make life they way it is, relationships, new acquaintances and friendships. Isn't it just wonderful? And if a writer falls in love with you... You never die.
And I feel like I'm slowly falling apart. At some point, I was okay, then went down to the hole again and couldn't crawl back up. I feel like I don't have any friends, even though I do have many, just not right ones. Since Jan and I haven't spoken I'm... Not myself. I'm nothing. It's like I have this hole in my chest that used to be where his place was, near my heart. Now he's gone and so is my happiness. Funny huh; he used to bring me joy and sadness, now I'm here alone, left and broken. With only one thing left: sadness. I can't find the meaning in life anymore. Also swimming used to be my favourite thing in the world, I used to come to practices happy and come back home satisfied. Now it feels like it's some kind of obligation or duty I have to fill. In this new club I am, I don't even feel welcomed, even though I am. I don't feel accepted, like a part of a family, which this big club is. But without me, I guess. I often feel I'd be better of without swimming. But everyone's telling me how many potencial I have, what I could achieve, where could I go, what could I become. It feels like I can't quit. My mother is telling me she'll be there for me in any choice I decide to make. But deep down I know she won't be pleased if I'd say I'm done. I know she'd only be trying to make me stay because of my talent and it'd be a shame to throw it away. And she's actually right. What I'd do without swimming? I thought of many things: I could be a fashionsita (I have a real passion for fashion), study medicine like I always wanted, go to drawing classes and many, many more options. But would they make me happy as swimming once did? Would I succed? What if I wouldn't be satisified and in a while realise I've made a lifetime mistake?
I seriously don't know what to do. You see, for a sport and a good results (not only good, the best), you need a will, hard work and patience. But I think I've lost the will I used to have as a kid. And I'm tired of working hard. And I think, after all, maybe I'm not THAT good. Maybe I won't achieve those things everyone's saying I could if I'd do this and that... Maybe I don't have that thing in me that's necessary to be great, the best among the best. And after I went through this thinking, I said: True athletes don't give up at first obstacle. They face it and move on. But what if I don't have that courage, bravery or just will to continue? What if the best among the best don't have that kind of thoughts when they have a problem? What if they fixed it in a different way, proffesional and real athlete way that it's supposed to be fixed?
But I've been swimming since forever and now that I have a new coach (which is really kind, proffesional, patient and good) who has, for his head, realistic golds: Olypmpic games. Actually yes, I am or could be that good. Another reason why I can't quit! Everyone seems to expect so much from me, so much, I think I'll always dissapoint them and I just wouldn't handle it if it would happen again and again in future. I think I'd let them down for not being good enough.
But I think all this would be a lot easier if I just had someone. Anyone; a friend, lover, even a stranger who'd give me a real, honest opinion of all this. And there's one more thing that bugs me... I dreamt last night of kissing someone. Someone hot, but that doesn't matter now. What matter is, that it was like I was there. I felt it! The kiss! Well, of course I didn't REALLY felt it, but I felt my heart was pounding and I was really nervous; in a dream! But when I woke up, the dreams were so real I thought they happened for real. Of course I have left that much sanity to know they were just dreams, but the thing is... I'm craving for a first kiss even harder (don't forget I'm still a virgin about those romance things). I remember how I touched his lips (in dreams, of course) and then slowly kissed him and then harder and harder and more passionate. I licked and sucked his tounge and we french kissed all the time. Although those dreams were really short, for only couple of seconds. But they were so real, so sweet and passionate, I was like really turned on, haha. I still am now, when I just think about it. And I can't stop thinking about it. The feeling I got. The feeling of being loved and wanting someone to kiss me. Because they just liked me and I turned them on. It's the best feeling in the world. And I just want to feel it in reality for once. I also daydream a lot, about sex too, if I'm completely honest. I have really creative and large imagination, but I just want things to happen for real once. I'm not bothered by the fact I haven't had a boyfriend yet. I hate the feeling when no one has thought of me in a different way. That... No one loves me. I just want to have someone already and don't get me wrong. It's not one of those stupid teenage feelings like: "Omg, I'm forever alone". It's different. I need it. I need a kiss, a touch, making love to someone cause I feel ready. It's not "horny" either. Cause I know that feeling and here it's more like craving, desire and dreaming. I feel like I know how it would be loved and touched, but I haven't felt it quite yet. I'd love that person so hard and deep a person can. Because I need someone to tell me it's going to be alright and say it because they mean it, not because they need to. To hug me and than kiss me, I'd trust them. I'd believe them. And if I was there, in his warm arms keeping me from harm, I wouldn't think about it so much. I'd think about how I'd surprise him and give him a long kiss, put him in a better mood, go for a walk with him, hold hands, watch movies, make tender love, laugh, run, dance like we're the only one on the planet left and love... Love like never before.
Komentarji
Objavite komentar