Life is so dreary without him, it's like I'm missing something, something is missing from me. A piece of me. I just can't live without him, I don't want to. I don't know when exactly they leave, I only know they leave this year. But more and more people talk something about them, about their leaving, more I'm thinking about it, more I'm getting anxious to do something about my love for him. More I'm getting closer to the day when he leaves and that might even be tomorrow. And if at least I couldn't kiss him, I'm gonna write him a letter and make sure he gets it. Because I don't wanna miss that chance to tell him, even though just on paper. I have to, I have this sorrow in me that won't get out, like I'll have conscience if I won't tell him somehow. I've never ever felt anything even close like this, everything's simple and achievable when I'm around him, even if we don't talk. Just being near him, feel his warmth or presence makes my day, makes me believe in tomorrow and future. I feel we'd be the best couple ever, we'd be one of those couples that weren't only in a relationship, but also best friends. I just think we'd get along so well. I feel like we're perfect for each other. Then on the other hand, I know for a fact he could never love me back. You are just so sure about some stuff, you know? Like when the game's lost or when you know you won't make it on time somewhere. You know it's hopeless, but you're still somehow hoping, still watching the game, hoping for your team or running down the street. You're still trying. Even though you know it's pointless, it's something that keeps you moving on, giving your life purpose and sense and logic. But usually it just makes you miserable.
And any thing can be like that, not just being in desperate love with someone or just having a hopeless crush (which I don't have with Daniel, I can feel there's much more to it). You can have such passion about anything. And when you do, you just know that feeling. The rush, thrill, excitement and happiness. Although, thinking about Daniel has caused me nothing but misery and tears. But if you look on the "bright" side of thinking about him, us, our future together, him in my life, I being in his... I actually feel comfortable. I can imagine him with me and I couldn't possibly achieve that with anybody so far. I feel like a bird, free, light and accepted. And even though I'm always nervous around him and try my best to look good and sexy or whatever (usually the more I try the less is working), I like daydreaming about him. I really do and it makes me look good in his arms. It makes me feel important, elegant and loved. Being taken care of; that's the best thing. But he's like a drug for me. I can't stop thinking about him, he makes me feel calm, cheerful and happy. And everytime I see him is like a next shot, fix for me, but at the same time I know he's no good for me and that it's bad for me.That I should just quit everything; all those senseless daydreams. But I can't help it, you know? Today he came to the morning practice and I... I'm just speechless everytime I see him. And I really have to watch out that someone doesn't catch me staring at him. Cause that would be a disaster.
But I think it will all somehow end when he's gone. I mean, he will always remain my first love and no one will be able to compare to him, no one will ever be like him and I think I'll never love someone that much ever again. But that's not how it's done, is it? How will I ever maintain a relationship when I'm older or just somewhere in the future, if I'll always compare the guy to Daniel? I will never be happy. So I'll just have to accept the fact that he will be gone, we will never be together and that I must move on. I don't even remember the life before him, swimming life before he got here. Every single thing reminds me of him and will, I think, when he's gone. Those months will be hard. How will I be able to even survive when my heart was weaker with every week when he wasn't around me, when I didn't know where he was (later I found out he was at the competition in Berlin)? But I still believe that it's better for me and my mental health that he leaves already. Cause I can't take it no more. Or I'll lose my mind or I'll just smooch him in the middle of the pool or I'll just tell him how I feel. I can't take no more sights of his perfect body, face and his cute, adorable faces he makes when he talkes or the angel eyes when he (by accident, of course) looks at me with his perfect, almost white, gorgeous eyes. You know how my heart races then? Or even when I see him coming to the swimming pool and I feel relief and anxiety at the same time, knowing that now he's here; now I'm safe and now I have to be careful of what I say, how I say it, how I look and how I act. I'm tired of it. Of always being careful. But I'm in love with the feeling his closeness gives me. His presence. It's all about that. And the way he puts a bag of swimming requisite on the side of a swimming pool. The way he talkes and moves while talking. And, yes, about his sixpacks (oh god, they're perfect. Not too much, just you know a slight trace of them. Okay, a bit more that just a trace) and his arms and his whole body. And yes, I wanna do him. And I do fantasize about him. But I also care about his personality, not only sexual things. I also daydream how we'd spend a day together, watching movies, running together, kissing in the rain, laughing... Those things make me happy, but are killing me at the same time.
I've never felt more close to someone, even though we never touched. I've never felt more home with someone, even though we never spoke. I've never felt so loved by someone, even though he never will. And it makes me sad. All of this. Knowing that there might be no one in this world who could possibly love him more that I do, who would treat him right like I would, who would be there for him like I would... It's hopeless, it's all hopeless and in vain. But somewhere deep inside me, there lives a tiny thing that scratches my chest within me; guilty conscience. That I really must do something out of it, take a chance, risk. Cause after all; what do we have out of life if we don't risk? In the end we only regret the chances we didn't take. And I know I will regret the things I didn't do and that I pictured in my head for example saying simple hello to Daniel, which isn't such a shameful thing. And I also think it kindda would work out, why not? I'm determined that I will give it a try and then say it's impossible. But when I'll go talk to him (not completely sure yet) I'll already be doing the impossible. I just hope he'll get the letter.
I feel that thing inside me again when I think of him kissing any other girl, being silly with her, laughing with her, listening to music with her... I could give him so much. I do kindda regret I didn't came out as more confident and outgoing girl when we first met. Maybe he'd fell in love with me. And I swear to whoever is up there that sometimes he does look at me that way. His way. That sexy, seductive way. Okay, not THAT way. He just looks at me softly and his look tells everything. That he might be thinking of me. And I wonder what that is. I hope he finds me interesting and mysterious like I do find him. But I know things like that are something I'll never know. No one will ever know how they look through someone else's eyes. Oh I wish I'd known what Daniel thinks of me. I could like improve and be like he wants be to be. No, that's wrong. I always tell myself: if he'd really love you, he'd accept the way you are. And he'd love me, for me.
And I want to make him a better person. I want to bring the best out of him, not making him trying, you know? I want it to all be easy and light. I want it to be like that when he'd be with me. That I'm some kind of his soul-mate. But if he even dedicated just a slight, soft, quick kiss, my life would be perfect, complete. Like I made my purpose, I'd be fullfilled. My dream would come true.
And any thing can be like that, not just being in desperate love with someone or just having a hopeless crush (which I don't have with Daniel, I can feel there's much more to it). You can have such passion about anything. And when you do, you just know that feeling. The rush, thrill, excitement and happiness. Although, thinking about Daniel has caused me nothing but misery and tears. But if you look on the "bright" side of thinking about him, us, our future together, him in my life, I being in his... I actually feel comfortable. I can imagine him with me and I couldn't possibly achieve that with anybody so far. I feel like a bird, free, light and accepted. And even though I'm always nervous around him and try my best to look good and sexy or whatever (usually the more I try the less is working), I like daydreaming about him. I really do and it makes me look good in his arms. It makes me feel important, elegant and loved. Being taken care of; that's the best thing. But he's like a drug for me. I can't stop thinking about him, he makes me feel calm, cheerful and happy. And everytime I see him is like a next shot, fix for me, but at the same time I know he's no good for me and that it's bad for me.That I should just quit everything; all those senseless daydreams. But I can't help it, you know? Today he came to the morning practice and I... I'm just speechless everytime I see him. And I really have to watch out that someone doesn't catch me staring at him. Cause that would be a disaster.
But I think it will all somehow end when he's gone. I mean, he will always remain my first love and no one will be able to compare to him, no one will ever be like him and I think I'll never love someone that much ever again. But that's not how it's done, is it? How will I ever maintain a relationship when I'm older or just somewhere in the future, if I'll always compare the guy to Daniel? I will never be happy. So I'll just have to accept the fact that he will be gone, we will never be together and that I must move on. I don't even remember the life before him, swimming life before he got here. Every single thing reminds me of him and will, I think, when he's gone. Those months will be hard. How will I be able to even survive when my heart was weaker with every week when he wasn't around me, when I didn't know where he was (later I found out he was at the competition in Berlin)? But I still believe that it's better for me and my mental health that he leaves already. Cause I can't take it no more. Or I'll lose my mind or I'll just smooch him in the middle of the pool or I'll just tell him how I feel. I can't take no more sights of his perfect body, face and his cute, adorable faces he makes when he talkes or the angel eyes when he (by accident, of course) looks at me with his perfect, almost white, gorgeous eyes. You know how my heart races then? Or even when I see him coming to the swimming pool and I feel relief and anxiety at the same time, knowing that now he's here; now I'm safe and now I have to be careful of what I say, how I say it, how I look and how I act. I'm tired of it. Of always being careful. But I'm in love with the feeling his closeness gives me. His presence. It's all about that. And the way he puts a bag of swimming requisite on the side of a swimming pool. The way he talkes and moves while talking. And, yes, about his sixpacks (oh god, they're perfect. Not too much, just you know a slight trace of them. Okay, a bit more that just a trace) and his arms and his whole body. And yes, I wanna do him. And I do fantasize about him. But I also care about his personality, not only sexual things. I also daydream how we'd spend a day together, watching movies, running together, kissing in the rain, laughing... Those things make me happy, but are killing me at the same time.
I've never felt more close to someone, even though we never touched. I've never felt more home with someone, even though we never spoke. I've never felt so loved by someone, even though he never will. And it makes me sad. All of this. Knowing that there might be no one in this world who could possibly love him more that I do, who would treat him right like I would, who would be there for him like I would... It's hopeless, it's all hopeless and in vain. But somewhere deep inside me, there lives a tiny thing that scratches my chest within me; guilty conscience. That I really must do something out of it, take a chance, risk. Cause after all; what do we have out of life if we don't risk? In the end we only regret the chances we didn't take. And I know I will regret the things I didn't do and that I pictured in my head for example saying simple hello to Daniel, which isn't such a shameful thing. And I also think it kindda would work out, why not? I'm determined that I will give it a try and then say it's impossible. But when I'll go talk to him (not completely sure yet) I'll already be doing the impossible. I just hope he'll get the letter.I feel that thing inside me again when I think of him kissing any other girl, being silly with her, laughing with her, listening to music with her... I could give him so much. I do kindda regret I didn't came out as more confident and outgoing girl when we first met. Maybe he'd fell in love with me. And I swear to whoever is up there that sometimes he does look at me that way. His way. That sexy, seductive way. Okay, not THAT way. He just looks at me softly and his look tells everything. That he might be thinking of me. And I wonder what that is. I hope he finds me interesting and mysterious like I do find him. But I know things like that are something I'll never know. No one will ever know how they look through someone else's eyes. Oh I wish I'd known what Daniel thinks of me. I could like improve and be like he wants be to be. No, that's wrong. I always tell myself: if he'd really love you, he'd accept the way you are. And he'd love me, for me.
And I want to make him a better person. I want to bring the best out of him, not making him trying, you know? I want it to all be easy and light. I want it to be like that when he'd be with me. That I'm some kind of his soul-mate. But if he even dedicated just a slight, soft, quick kiss, my life would be perfect, complete. Like I made my purpose, I'd be fullfilled. My dream would come true.
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