I kindly ask you, whoever is reading this, if any, to read this post while listening to this song - song that reminds me of him.
It will soon pass two years since I last saw him and at the same time exactly one year since he broke my heart. I'm not talking about Daniel this time. I am talking about a boy who literally changed my life and I always thoughts I forever changed his, too.
I think I already wrote the story about a boy named Jan. How we met on a swimming competition and instantly got along. How when every time I lost he always secretly sneaked behind the bleachers to my resting place and he comforted me with his laugh, jokes and hugs. We were inseparable. All those late night texts until 2 AM in the morning and the words he spoke that calmed me in the moment. He was my shelter, he was always there for me as I was there for him. Our love was mutual and undeniable. In my hard times he told me I was the most beautiful girl in the world. And then suddenly every single thing we ever had, changed.
He went to high school and you can imagine what happened. He met other people, other girls. He suddenly thought of me as an unimportant, insignificant long-distance friend whom he had, by coincidence, known for over seven years and has so far successfully maintained that friendship. That was, I admit, hard to do. But still I will never forget those words he said to me on the first anniversary of our last time we saw each other. Anyway, from that time we last saw each other lots of things change. Probably my feelings grew stronger and his kinda died down. I thought we were still best friends and that our friendship was just about to grow for something more. The feeling I got each time he sent me a text is unable to describe. But the problem was that those texts and calls slowly went from three or two to zero per month. And I had to do something. I couldn't just let him go, like what if he needs me, what if he's alone out there and he wants to talk to someone? So me, the idiot as I am, told him how I feel. How much I miss him and that... That I might be in love with him. Maybe it wasn't even love, I just missed him so much my heart was ready to literally explode. John Green wrote in his blasting novel The Fault In Our Stars (which I have, of course, read): "You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you miss them." And so Jan only said okay and that this doesn't change our friendship at all, meaning it doesn't have any influence on it at all. I didn't quite know at that time if I was supposed to be happy that he doesn't have a problem with that or if I should be sad that he said 'okay' in reply. Well, I was wrong about the first theory anyway. Turns out he had a big problem with it. I confessed my feelings to him sometime in late summer, when he had just met a girl. So winter was coming and I felt a bit nervous, like something bad was coming, even though when he said those words that came totally out of the blue, it stroked me like a lighting bolt. This year we didn't go out together in the city to watch the Christmas lights together and drink hot chocolate on the top of the some bar. Instead he decided to kill me mentally and physically in cold blood. I swear on my life I will never forget that moment. It was December 30th, as I recall. I was watching Clueless when my phone rang. I saw that the number had been blocked, but I answered anyway, which is very untypical of me. I heard this girly laugh in the background and after a few seconds it said 'Leave my boyfriend alone.' My heart crushed in pieces because I knew exactly who she was talking about. But I was ready to fight for him. Oh no, I wasn't willing to give him away like that. Not my best friend. She, at the end, ended the call. My heart was pumping like crazy after that totally unexpected call. My hands were shaking, my lips were trembling. After a few minutes I got several texts saying the same like the girl was saying in the call. I replied 'Where is Jan?' And after that I got another call and this time I heard his voice on the other side. Even though I had no tactics prepared I kept asking for explanation. And after that the tragedy followed. I got at least five long messages saying why should I let go of him. Then he was texting. Saying awful, terrible things. And it wasn't the same person typing this message as I last seen. After he had said all those things (that were including insults of my appearance) the nice words he dedicated to me as we walked the snowy streets meant nothing. All I knew at that moment was that this just wasn't the same person anymore and that he really doesn't mean it. That he was somehow intoxicated or something. Because he just couldn't mean that.
The next day I went for a walk. It was the last day of the year we were in. It was, at the same time, the first anniversary of my grandpa's death. Yes, you understood right - he died right after Jan and I met in the city. I wanted to clear my mind and was forcing myself to eliminate those ugly words from my mind. But the more I wanted to forget them, the more they were popping in my head and I suddenly realized the meaning of all this. He just changed. He simply changed. And the only thing that I couldn't get fixed in my head is if I am that easy to forget? Like if there's something wrong with me? I started to blame myself for every single thing that had happened between us and that I was responsible for the ruin of our friendship. I was a total wreck the following year. Yes, I could smile and laugh and truly enjoy the beauty of the day and people around me, but in the night I completely crushed. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I was petrified and numb for at least three months. I still am if only I think of the things we had. Again, the universal genius, John Green once said: "I'm not sure if I'm depressed. I mean, I'm not exactly sad. But I'm not exactly happy either. I can laugh and joke and smile during the day, but sometimes when I'm alone at night I forget how to feel." This couldn't describe my situation more accurately. I felt completely lost, like I couldn't decide which way to turn without his guidance beside me, always with me or didn't know which way to look without his eyes surrounding me, keeping me safe from harm.
The more he distanced from me, the number of nights when I got a full sleep was getting lower each day. I literally couldn't sleep, I kept replaying those memories in my head and kept bringing his smile, flashing right there before my eyes, like he was standing right in front of me. It felt so real that I thought nothing ever happened between us. Like he never ever said those words. Like it was all just a bad nightmare. It truly was, except it kept going on even after I had woken up.
And after all this time, I still hope. That is kinda the only thing I have left. I still hope he thinks of me when he eats and how we went out together. I hope he thinks of me as he is in school and remembers all the silly texts we used to sent each other with which we passed the boring time in class and, shortened - the time when we were not together (which in time became more and more often). I hope he thinks of my smile when he is making another girl laugh. I hope he thinks of my face when he calls another girl beautiful. I hope he thinks of our time together when he used to wrap my curly hair around his fingers as they slowly passed to my neck as he kisses another girl's cheeks. I still hope he will one day realize he lost the moon while counting the stars. I will never forget those eyes and that smile. It's kinda like he will always be a part of me, something I will always miss.
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