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Life's one big mess

  First of all; sorry I haven't been blogging much lately (like anyone reads it...). It's just school's getting really tough and I barely have any free time and when I have some, I like to read. So please no offence here.

 I just can't keep up with everything. I'm really going mad, because I'm not going on pracitces cause of this stupid arm. I did went yesterday actually, but it was even worse. I also saw Him. My heart went crazy, so did my mind and stomach. Like I wasn't preparing myself for this moment. I imagined it a hundred times in my head, though it was completely different in reality. It was even more beautiful. And painful.

 Today in school was horrible. Everybody's laughing everywhere I look. They're smiling, they're happy. They're giving out some kind of shine or sparkling. Why can't I?

 In school is going down pretty much too.  In French I got a C today. I was studying so so hard. I really tried. Okay, I was scared and nervous a lot too, but I gave my best. I always do. Isn't that enough? Isn't what I'm doing enough? Am I not enough? 

 I used to convince my girls at school how they shouldn't feel this way. Because they ARE good enough. I mean, everytime I look at them I don't see any imperfections, I don't see any flaws. But when I look at myself in the mirror; it's like I'm made of flaws. Who would even love me? Okay, I know no one is going to love me if I keep thinking like this, but... Honestly, all I really really need right now is someone who would love me the way I am. With all my flaws , whining and outages. Someone that would make me feel beautiful. Who will be able to do something and quickly make me forget about all the "wrong" things about, all the insecurities. To hold me tight in my darkest days and tell me that everything's going to be okay. I know everybody wants love like this. But I actually need it. I feel so incomplete. I can't wait no more. It's killing me all the time. Like a part of me is missing. 
 I was in the French class the other day and I caught the teacher said what destiny means in French. Like what's meant for you. And I got thinking. Again. Again too much.
 What if it's meant  to be this way? That I'm always alone, left behind, always the third wheel in company? I don't understand. How can everyone can get someone for like nine months (which is really a lot these days) and I can't? Is there something wrong with me? Do I care too much? Oh, yes I do. I'm always the one that loves more, gets attached and think more about that person. That's like my curse. If I was at least blessed with beauty...
  
  Life's so much easier these days if you're beautiful. Everyone's giving you o much more attention and love. They worship you. And if you're ugly... And you may have nice personality... They don't notice you. You're not important as much. You're zero, someone to make fun of, just a waste of space. You might think that's crazy talk, but life of teenagers these days is actually like this. And if you think it's not like that at all, I'm not even close to what's in real life. I'm not exaggerating. If you would be a teenager for one day, you'd be in hell. It's a cruel world. You're never good enough, you don't dress cool enough: 
  •  if you're having sex you're a slut, if you're still a virgin (it's a sin if you haven't had sex at 14) you're a saint
  • if you drink you're a drunk, if you don't you're a pussy
  • if you smoke you're suddenly a attention badass, if you don't you're tight
  • if you wear make up you're a barbie, if you don't you're ugly
  • if you eat little you're anorexic, if you eat a lot you're fat
  • if you cry a bit, say something you feel or don't pretend to like something others are pretending to love you're a attention seeker, if you keep stuff to yourself or don't talk about your feelings to those bitches you're a unemotional robot
 Do you get this world? Me neither and I never will. Why is everyone always judging every little thing you do? Why do they take those things so seriously? Why can't they just accept the fact that people come in all shapes and sizes and they're still ALL gorgeous. That people are different, thank god! What would you think the world would look like if everyone would be the same, with same habits, emotions, opinions, tastes? It would be insane. Even more than it is now.

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