Like the title says it all, it’s really sunny here in Slovenia (where I live). And it’s also pretty warm for November; yesterday was 17 °C in the morning!
Anyway, I know all this nice weather and this should make me a bit more cheerful. I must confess, my school mates did distract me for a while with their funny jokes and generally their existence. But then, across the hall, I saw two three years younger kids kissing. No, they were actually making out. And then I became sad. Like almost desperate. Everything went down, everybody started to annoy me and I didn’t want to talk to anyone anymore. Two little children were albe to find someone who’s making them happy and me, lonely, 14 years old creep can’t. I just stood there, staring at them. And of course, they didn’t give a shit about me. Why would they, really? They’ve got each other and that’s all that matters, right? So why … What did I do? What on earth did I do that I can’t have this? It’s really killing me. I think about Him all day long and sometimes it does makes me sad, sometimes not. Sometimes I make this short, made up stories in my mind, when I’m driving home from school or when it’s 2 am and I’m still up, thinking about him. I dream about being with him in a park and make other girls jealous. I dream about holding hands with him and kiss his big lips. I dream about lying with him, cuddling and intertwine my fingers with his and then looking up to him and give him a long, soft kiss. I can’t stand it anymore, but I could never tell him. Okay, maybe one day, when I’m sure what are his feelings (I’m almost certain they’re not like mine), but I feel like I’m not ready. I am ready to be with him, but I couldn’t tell him. Reasons:
1.) I think he’d laugh at me (that’s just what he’s like, I don’t blame him). But you know, I don’t know for sure. I still don’t know him that well, actually, I don’t know him at all. Okay, I see him everyday and we chat a bit, but I don’t know he’s inside that well. But I can feel he’s a right guy, that kind of guy, that will treat her girl right. That’s what I like about him the most. He gives my this feeling that behind his silly behaviour, there is a serious guy inside him, someone you can fully trust and rely on. He’s so funny and confused all the time (it’s just so cute I can resist it) and simply amazing. I never met anyone more interesting than him, although I only spoke a few words with him. I always get butterflies when he smiles and shows his perfectly straight and white teeth. He is perfect to me. Usually my motto is that no one is perfect. But I’ve realised that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
2.) Maybe he’d speak it out. I think he is that foolsih, but if I’d ask him nicely … Well, I’m not sure. Maybe he wouldn’t tell it if he’d notice how hard was this for me to confess him. But I think there’d be a little piece of pride in him, so he’d want to tell someone and that someone would tell another person and so on … But no, actually. No one would want to proclaim that some ugly girl is in love with him. I think he’d me ashamed of me. Well … Only time will tell, right?
3.) I’m ashamed of myself. I know it’s weird, but I’m ashamed of my feelings. I would be red as red as a tomato. I always get too nervous when it comes to expressing yourself or telling how you feel. I never use the right words, so people often misunderstand. When it finally comes to this, everything that I prepared in my head, vanishes. It’s empty. And then I get even more insecure and that’s it. It turns out as a huge fiasco. And I’d never be able to look or talk to that person again. But when I start to overanalyze the conversation I realise I haven’t said enough. Not even close. I stand for that you say exactly what you feel. Take off your mind what will they think and do as your heart wants. Take a chance.
4.) The thing I was telling you about above; I’m afraid of his reaction. I once told a boy how I felt. And it wasn’t really nice. He actually laughed at me (okay, I know telling this isn’t going to raise your courage about saying how you feel to your crush, but) and tell everyone and embarrass me in front of whole crowd of my friends. But I kinda think it won’t happen again with him (by the way, my love’s name’s Jaka, so you won’t be confused anymore. I don’t really think anyone reads my blog, but I added the name anyway), but I still have that fear in me.
So, we got this cleared up. It’s kind of complicated, yes. But so is my life, so is life itself. But inspite of all, we need to take chances because it’s them that makes stories. They make our life. If you win, you’ll be happy. If you lose, you’ll learn from mistakes (I wouldn’t really say I’d be a mistake though) and move on.
I know it sounds really dumb when I have to say so much about how to be happy and how to move on and take chances, bla bla bla, when I’m the living opposite. I have no idea how to do all these things. But you shouldn’t take me as an example (who would lol), but you have to be even more braver. Just because it happened to someone it doesn’t mean it will happen to you 100%! Not even 1%. It’s just I really like to make other people happy. That’s just who I am. The thing is, I always care too much. About what other people might think, about what they say or do or just about how they’re dealing with something, anything, really. I’m always the third wheel. I’m always that one, that loves more …
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